The end of this month will mark 6 years since my father passed away. It’s hard to believe that it has been so long in some ways, and it other ways, it seems like a lifetime ago since he was with me in the flesh. When he first passed away, I didn’t think I would be able to survive without him. My father and I were close, I would be considered “daddy’s little girl” by many, and it was a title I wore proudly. When my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1998, the foundation of my world had been completely rocked. I couldn’t imagine my world without my father in it. He was my confidant, my friend, the first person to exemplify what unconditional love looks and feels like.
My father’s passing and events that took place after that, led me into a state of depression that lasted longer, in hindsight, than it ought to have. While I understood logically that my father’s death meant an end to his physical suffering, emotionally, I didn’t know how to deal with life without his guidance, his understanding, or his love. I was heartbroken, and I didn’t have the tools to deal with my grief in a healthy way. I was angry with God for not listening to my prayers, for not giving me more time with my father. I had never felt so alone as I did in the first few years after the death of my father. It didn’t take much to bring me to tears, or into a fit of rage.
It took a long time, and a lot of work to reconnect to God. I now understand that even though my father is not with me physically, he is always with me. I have a lifetime of wonderful memories of time spent with my dad, and nothing can take that away from me. Those memories put a smile on my face and bring me a joy that I thought I had lost when he died. There are still times in my life where I miss him dearly – I miss the conversations we had and the ability to give him a massive hug. Those moments when I miss him no longer lead me down a spiral of depression. I realize I am blessed to have had the years I did have with him. There are many children who lose their father very young, or never have the chance to grow up with a father at all. It is said that it is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all and when I think of the amazing relationship I had with my father, I would have to agree.♥
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